I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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