you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
