halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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