He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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