Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
