Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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