What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
