Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
