i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
