Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
