Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
