she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
