I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
