I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
