Can i not drive my cunt home
my shit smells like andre
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
