Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
