I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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