Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
