If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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