2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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