I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
