I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
