Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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