does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm like, not good at living.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
