I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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