I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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