I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
