i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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