Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a hot homeless man
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
