I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
