Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
