Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he shaved USA in his pubs
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
