I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
