i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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