He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
