just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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