I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
