i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
