I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
