I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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