he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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