have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
