I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
