i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
