Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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