Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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