I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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