I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
