Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
