"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
